Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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