i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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