Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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