i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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