i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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