Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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