Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
