So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
