God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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