you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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