my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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