Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
