I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
