3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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