I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
