dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
