I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
