Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
