3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
