My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
