I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
