I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize