You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
