i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
