I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
