I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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