I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
