The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
