We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
