im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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