the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
