just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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