My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
