We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
