This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize