I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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