Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
