Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
