you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
