i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
