M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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