Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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