pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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