First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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