Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize