I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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