I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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