Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize