I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
