a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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