I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
