You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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