You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The adults are the big ones right?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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