Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
