I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
