my phone needs a breathalizer
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize