why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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