proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
